Talk to the Hand

Talk to the Hand 2

Dear Hand,

I’ve been with my boyfriend ever since high school. It’s been comfortable loving him. For more than five years we’ve been together, and I know him like the back of my hand. However, I feel like we’re stuck in the same place, regressing as a couple even.

Just recently I met this other guy, and he’s the most interesting person I’ve ever known. Being with him makes me feel excited… and alive. I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on my boyfriend, just even entertaining thoughts of breaking up with him and being with guy number two, but I think I’m in love already. What shall I do? Play it safe or risk five years of a strong relationship?

Guilty Pleasure

Dear Pleasure,

Love is very much like the perception of movement. Without it we’d never survive, but there are still a lot of things we don’t know about it.

Your perception of your relationship as not moving can be said as real movement: we perceive objects in motion when they move, and as stationary when they do not. In your case, your relationship could be in a stagnant phase. But it is really? Let’s talk about guy number two first.

Induced movement could explain your fascination for him: your experiences with him become the background of how you perceive him, and because they are exciting, you’ve come to think of him as exciting as well. It’s like our perception of the moon racing in the night sky when in actuality it’s not the moon which moves, but rather the clouds that surround it. That’s why guys are advised to bring their dates to exciting places, like amusement parks and action movies: the thrill of the venue becomes associated with them. The question is, is he really interesting as a person or do you like him because of what you’ve experienced when you’re with him?

The description of your current relationship as ‘moving backwards as a couple’ could be an interesting case of movement aftereffects. Stare at a moving picture of a waterfall for 60 seconds and look at a similar, non-moving picture. What do you see? Water appears to be flowing up. It’s similar to your personal life. You feel like you’re progressing with guy number two, that’s why in retrospect it seems like your relationship with your boyfriend is moving backwards.

I could never tell you what to do, because there are still a lot of things unclear from your letter, like the personalities of the people involved, degrees of commitment, et cetera. What I have to say, though, is that you should take a step back and examine how your life is moving.

I only have one advise: be careful. What you may perceive as movement in terms of a possible relationship with guy number two could be just illusory movement: what you actually see is static pictures of friendly, non-romantic scenarios, but because everything is happening too fast you think the bond of love is actually there. At the same time, your social global optic flow could be culprit, too. Maybe your relationship with your boyfriend is moving, but you move a lot faster and hence can’t perceive it yet. Slow down and take the time to evaluate your decisions. Remember, it’s not only your life and love on the line: two more people are involved in this.

Sincerely yours,

Hand Sam

p.s. This column seems to have raised more questions than answers, but to make your decision-making easier, it all comes down to choosing the hotter of the two. ;)

References:

Goldstein, E. B. (2007). Sensation and Perception (7^th Eds.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

Lee, J. A. (1988). In R. J. Sternbergs and M. L. Barnes (Eds.), The psychology of love. New Haven: Yale University Press.

Rubin, Z. (1973). Liking and Loving: An invitation to social psychology. New York: Holt, Rinehart & Winston.

Sternberg, R. J. (1988). Triangulating love. In R. J. Sternbergs and M. L. Barnes (Eds.), The psychology of love. New Haven: Yale University Press.